TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Personnel Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it could come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That is the eyesight driving Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical advancement-slash-luxury housing calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Yes, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. And never the same old Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're chatting Damascus, the town historically noted for historic lifestyle, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It's going to be great. Great!" Trump declared through a leaked golfing cart Zoom phone, streamed with the Placing eco-friendly inside Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We have experienced stunning ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the best. But now, we're creating them with balconies."



Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and entirely out of position. Designed by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:




  • A a few-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Satisfied Hour until the drone flies")




  • As well as a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses described combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten a long time for potable h2o. But Indeed, guaranteed, let us have Yet another location where American Gentlemen can use robes and call it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and a pillow menu, not surprisingly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas policy analysts are contacting this essentially the most audacious peace try due to the fact Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Although former negotiations unsuccessful under the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is less complicated: give everyone a set over the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


In line with files printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal contains "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, finish with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This can be tender electric power," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a deal and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock wants much less diplomats plus more minibar updates."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms installed in Each and every unit. The UN Particular Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest pointed out, "It's actually not that Trump shouldn't open a tower in a war zone. It is really that he ought to prevent utilizing it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked with regard to the task, replied, "You understand, man, I when rode a camel in Beirut. Good men and women. Terrific tan. In any case, do I still have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a collection for "long run evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred into the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility on the Levant."



Satellite Pics Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the resort's landscaping sorts an enormous Trump head seen from Room, a attribute currently being promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents as well as the chin is… effectively, categorised.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits immediately after locating the building's gold plating reflected a lot of sunlight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set hearth to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It really is not merely ugly. It's a war crime with curtains," mentioned Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing along with other Puzzling Options


Probably the strangest ingredient of the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium in which friends could ponder obscure disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, total with climate Management set to "distant"




  • Trump Tower Damascus

    A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.




Nearby Syrians are Doubtful what to generate of the. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-12 months-old Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Promoting Strategy: "For those who Bomb It, They'll Arrive"


The advert marketing campaign, not too long ago leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. Just one poster reads:


"Peace is Non permanent. Luxurious is Without end."


A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso retailers:


"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Community reception is wildly divided. A modern SnapPoll carried out inside a hookah lounge displays:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% stated "where's the nearest elevator into the West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "Ultimately, a Disaster That Pays"


The undertaking is now attracting consideration from Intercontinental investors, which include:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll get 3 penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional degree may even involve:




  • A Greenback Retail outlet of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home Based on the Iraq War





Remark Area Chaos


Around the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb article about the disclosing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Cannot wait around to see a wedding in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades as an alternative to rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Last but not least, a lodge exactly where my PTSD can have switch-down service."


One more write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian only questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officials fear the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Studies propose:




  • China may well open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is organizing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly available to develop a Tesla showroom on the Golan Heights run by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. As outlined by https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has supplied to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top flooring "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Last Ideas within the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside a closing ceremony that associated three camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:


"Damascus necessary hope. It required gold. It essential a waterslide formed just like the Constitution. I gave everything 3. You are welcome."

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